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Email:
info@familynonviolence.org

Phone: 1 (508) 996-1100

Fax: 1 (508) 996-1100*51

Family Non-Violence, Inc.
P.O. Box 814
Fairhaven, MA 02719-0800

The Communicator:
A quarterly newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 6, Number 1 February 2007

In this issue:

• From the Executive Director
• "Activities of the Agency "
• Teen Dating Abuse
• The Day My Childhood Ended

Welcome! We continue to come to you in order to share information regarding important issues regarding domestic/family violence as well as providing information on the activities in which we as an agency are involved. We focus this issue on Dating Violence from an article by Richard Davis, Vice-President of our Board, and a well known writer on domestic violence. We also share news about the beginning of an emphasis on Restorative Justice that we believe will contribute not only to the reduction of family violence but of violence in our society. We welcome you to this issue of The Communicator.

A reminder: We have begun a Yahoo discussion group entitled "Preventing Family Violence." It allows anyone to contribute to an online discussion about the issue as stated. If you have any ideas about this important issue, you can access the discussion group by going to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/preventingfamilyviolence/.

We are grateful for the recent financial support given by both the New Bedford Friends Meeting and the Henry H. Crapo Charitable Foundation.

Also: You are welcome to respond to any item in the newsletter as well as to raise any concern about the prevention of family violence. You may reach us at our phone number (508) 996-1100. Our email address is info@familynonviolence.org.

From the Editor

This issue I will not include another "Lesson in Interpersonal Communication" in order to allow room for a short story written by an anonymous young woman who experienced relationship abuse in her early teens that continued into adulthood.

Restorative Justice Task Force

Eight persons from communities from Mattapoisett to Westport have begun to meet monthly to promote the emphasis upon Restorative Justice, a strategy for dealing with crime and interpersonal conflict that is being practiced in many countries in the world, including over 300 communities in this country.

Clergy Conference Task Force

Persons from the clergy, domestic violence professionals, police personnel and others from both the New Bedford and Fall River areas meet together on a monthly basis to plan for promoting the awareness and prevention of domestic violence. The Executive Director is Chair of the task force.

Men's Support Group

The agency continues to provide the opportunity for men who are abused in partner relationships to find support in meetings at the First Congregational Church of Fairhaven. For information call (508) 996-1100.

Nonviolent Communication Discussion Group

Once a month a group of persons concerned about their own communication with others meet to discuss the teachings of Marshall Rosenberg and how to apply these to their own lives. The group is open to anyone who shares a similar goal. Call (508) 996-1100.

Teen dating violence is a significant problem that occurs when teenagers begin romantic relationships. It is generally agreed that most if not all of this behavior can be carried over into adult relationships. Although there is still not an agreed upon definition, teen dating abuse ranges from verbal, physical and sexual abuse and at its extreme, similar to adult romantic relationships, dating abuse can become violent and sometimes lethal (O'Keefe, 2005).

Studies consistently indicate that concerning non-sexual teen dating abusive behavior, boys and girls equally initiate physical assaults. Surprisingly, some studies document that, even when controlling for self-defense, girls initiate more physical assaults as boys (Foshee, et al. 1998).

However, most studies document that dating abuse can be far more problematic for girls than boys. Girls suffer more fear of repeat incidents, injuries, emotional problems, sexual assaults and lethal violence (O'Keefe, 2005).

Few studies measure the context, intent and circumstances concerning the use of dating violence by boys and girls. While there is little question that the consequences are more negative for girls, there continues a specious argument concerning who should be held more responsible, boys or girls.

To date there is only one study that actually, if not empirically, attempts to measure the context, intent and circumstances concerning dating abuse. It is the Liz Claiborne Inc. sponsored Teen Relationship Abuse Survey (TRAS) that was conducted in March of 2006.

The intent of the TRAS was to measure not only the quantitative abuse but to try and understand what is and is not acceptable behavior in teen relationships.

The TRAS research seems to document that much of the abusive behavior exhibited between boys and girls may very well be the same behavior exhibited between adults. The exception is that the severity and lethality of the violence is more often greater for adults than it is for teens.

Highlights from the TRAS

• Nearly two-thirds of teens (64%) have been with someone who "acted really jealous and asked where they were all the time."
• Almost half of teens who have been in a relationship (47%) ­ and (55%) of those who describe their relations ship as serious ­ have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner.
• Approximately one in five teens who have been in relationship (21%) have been with a partner who tried to prevent them from seeing family or friends.
• 15% of those who have been in a relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
• 39% of girls and 32% of boys were asked by their partner to explain who they were spending time with.
• 35% of girls and 31% of boys asked where their partners were all the time.
• 33% of boys and 31% of girls tried to tell their partner what to do.
• 25% of girls and 24% of boys asked their partner to spend their time with them.
• 22% of girls and 21% of boys tried to prevent their partner from spending time with family or friends.
• 16% of girls and 12% of boys threatened to hurt their partner or themselves if their partner left.
• 11% of boys and 10% of girls threatened to spread rumors about their partners if they did not do what they wanted.
• 9% of girls and 5% of boys threatened to kill their partner or themselves if their partner left them.
• 73% of boys and 64% of girls felt nervous about doing something that their partner didn't like.
• 65% of boys and 63% of girls had their partner act really jealous, asking where they were all the time.
• 49% of girls and 44% of boys did something that went against their values or beliefs in order to please their partner because their partner really loves them.
• 55% of girls and 30% of boys tried hard to get their partner to change their values or beliefs.
• 32% of boys and 25% of girls thought it was OK for their partner to be really jealous at times.
• 28% of boys and 27% of girls thought it was good to call their partner many times every day if they really loved them.
• 22% of boys and 17% of girls think its good for them to decide when to see their partner, what they should do and where they should go.
• 35% of girls and 25% of boys have been concerned about their safety (being hurt physically in a relationship.)
• 17% of boys and 13% of girls were hit, slapped or pushed by their partner.
• 26% of girls and 24% of boys thought that , for people their age, sex is expected if they are in a relationship.

Serious vs. Non-Serious Relationship

The following appears to document that the differences in beliefs and behavior are far more different when those involved "believe" that they are in a "serious" relationship.

However, personal correspondence with the agency that conducted the survey ­ Teenage Research Unlimited ­ revealed that there was no measuring tool to document if the relationship actually was "serious" or "not-serious." The definition of seriousness was left to the individual respondent to define for her/himself (Davis, 2006).

• 29% of girls and 6% of boys reported that their partner pressured them to have sex or engage in sexual acts when they did not want to.
• 14% of girls and 4% of boys report that the sexually behavior went further then they wanted it to.
• 64% of girls and 59% of boys felt like their partner made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
• 28% of boys and 26% of girls called their partner names or put them down.
• 10% of girls and 8% of boys became physically or verbally abusive when drunk or high.

The most common risk factors for victimization and offending are initiating assaultive or coercive behavior and the abuse of drugs or alcohol. Because of the multiple and complex dynamics involved, inclusive respectful communication and inclusive peaceful conflict resolution are the two best interventions for preventing or minimizing dating violence.

All schools should establish an advisory board on teen dating violence that ideally would consist of students, teachers, parents, domestic violence advocates and law enforcement. This advisory board should develop specific policies and programs that promote a violence free environment.

Resources

September of 1991, I was 15 years old, in love, and about 6 months pregnant. It was a beautiful Indian summer day and one I will never forget. My boyfriend (the father of my son) and his friends were kicking back and drinking a few beers. They had just picked up some new nursery furniture. I wanted my boyfriend to stop drinking, but he wouldn't. That's how the argument began. I pleaded with him, "Just once can you stay sober. I need you to set up the furniture." In the middle of a screaming match, out shot his fist, a direct hit to my swollen belly. I looked down in shock! He froze, staring at me, waiting for my reaction. I thought, this could not have just happened, did I imagine it? Then, the pain hit! It was true, he had just hit me! I ran out of the house, tears streaming down my face, down the gray rock driveway, stopped and sat down on the sidewalk to cry. A police officer was driving by and stopped when he saw my tears. Now I thought, "Good, something will be done about this. He can't just hit me and get away with it." As the officer asked me what was wrong I told him that my boyfriend and I were fighting and he had physically hurt me. "I'll handle this" he said, and headed up the drive to the house. Five minutes later he was back, got in his car and drove away only to return with a soft serve vanilla ice cream cone. During his conversation with my boyfriend the police officer told Brian that he understood his plight because his wife was pregnant too and he knew how hysterical women can get. Without an explanation he gave me the ice cream, waved and drove off. That was the beginning of my 14 year dance with death.

The lesson I learned that day is this: when women act hysterical they need to be dealt with and ice cream cures all wounds. This is the event that ended my sense of childhood innocence and shaped how I processed my relationships for years to come. I was a pregnant woman and I had to start thinking and behaving like one. The message I received was to forgive him for the hurt he inflicted on me, that it's okay what he does, and besides, if I didn't pressure him in that manner it wouldn't have happened. I was only 15.

It took me years to learn it wasn't my fault. I was not responsible for his actions, he was. I often wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently? If the domestic violence laws that are in effect now had been in place then, would I have fell into the victim role so easily? Would that officer have protected me instead of my abuser? That one incident planted the seed that made me believe that I was somehow to blame and, in the years that followed, I continued to take the abuse and almost lost my life.