From The Executive Director

Activities of Family Nonviolence, Inc.

Monica's Story

Too often a woman is silenced by the abuse. She hides her life experiences from those around her because she is embarrassed, scared or just plain numb. I wrote this about my experiences as an abused woman once I again found my Voice! This piece has also been translated into French. I would consider it an honor if you would considerate it for publication. It is, I believe, an important piece.

Monica

So You Think You Know Me!

Did you know that I felt Helpless in my abusive relationship due to His drinking?

Did you know that I mustered all the manners and class I could, not to Whine to his business friends.

Did you know that I felt Ashamed of myself that I didn't leave the first time he struck the children when drunk?

Did you know that when I Feared for our lives because he was so drunk and out of control, I fled to a place of safety with the children?

Did you know how Confused I felt not knowing what opinions would be acceptable that day for him?

Did you know that I Loved him too much to think he would be unable to Change for me?

Did you know how Used I felt when he was so drunk that he would vomit and then crawl on top of me just so he could have someone to masturbate into?

Did you know I suffered and cried silently because being used was easier than having to risk the children waking up and hearing him degrade me because I said "No"?

Did you know how Hurt I was when his drunken rampages were directed towards me and I was blamed for all of his problems?

Did you know how much Conflict I felt because of the mixed messages I constantly received from him on just about every topic (ex. good mom & horrible mom)?

Did you know how Belittled I felt when he would put down women in general?

Did you know how Hopeless I felt when I finally decided to sleep on the couch for 6 months in the hopes that he would love me enough to stop drinking?

Did you know how Trapped I felt when I would have to hide in the Bathroom just to avoid his verbal barrage of what a piece of shit I was?

Did you know that I Blamed myself for a long time that he was unhappy and tried to change anything that I could to keep the peace?

Did you know that I suddenly got Wise and realized that it wasn't the fact that our first home was mine, or the fact I had 3 kids in two years, or that I was fat or thin, or that I was working or not, or that I loved him or didn't....... that made him unhappy?

Did you know how Panicky I was when I couldn't lock a door to be safe because he took the door jams off most of the doors?

Did you know how Embarrassed I was that our children witnessed his drunken behavior?

Did you know how Frustrated I was when I had to take my keys because he loved to lock me out of the house, (especially during those lovely times at 4am) when ever he was drunk.....just to prove he was the boss?

Did you know that I felt so Numb that I lost my voice to demand to be treated with respect in my own home?

Did you know that I was Voiceless in who was welcome in my own home since my friends were not rich and powerful enough for the him and therefore not welcomed or treated with respect while they were there?

Did you know that I felt Unlovable so anyone who liked me as a person was seen as a threat and I was reminded that they just wanted me for sex? (there could be no other reason).... whether male or female?

Did you know that I finally felt like I was in a state of Nothingness and unworthy to be loved?

Did you know how Isolated I felt because I couldn't share myself or my Home with others?

Did you know how Bewildered I was about why or how I had allowed my life to be like that?

Did you know that I got Quiet and stopped sharing my opinions because I knew that I would be berated for them once we got behind the closed doors of home.

Did you know how Hurtful it was to me that he would never acknowledge the abuse... if he didn't remember, it didn't happen!

Did you know that once I Grasped the realization that he would never change, I opened a business so I would have something to trade for my home?

Did you know how Meticulous I became as I formulated a plan to leave the marriage safely?

Did you know that I finally got the Courage to go for counseling for families who live with someone who abuses alcohol?

Did you know I finally felt Hopeful after 3 months of counseling on my own while trying to rebuild my self esteem?

Did you know that I finally found my Voice after talking to my children and hearing their pain about how the abuse affected them?

Did you know how Shattered I felt when I learned the extent of their feelings about the verbal and physical abuse directed towards them?

Did you know how Angry I felt when I learned that they were told repeatedly that they were worthless human beings who would never amount to much?

Did you know the Despair I felt when he would not move out because I deserved nothing and all belonged to him?

Did you know how Motivated I became when after the 3rd time he threatened to kill me, I knew that I would be just another silent witness if I didn't take drastic moves to end my marriage safely?

Did you know that I Selfishly put my needs first and looked for a woman who could take care of him, someone who had independent means, who was an enabler and would ask nothing for herself and only live to make his life happy?

Did you know that I am Ecstatic that he chose his girlfriend because I was able to lock him out of the house since he now had somewhere to go?

Did you know I now feel Peaceful and can sleep nights?

Did you know that I am Relaxed now that my children and I are safe?

Did you know that I have not Said a word to his business friends about the divorce even though the girlfriend is not showing as much class?

Did you know that I am Scared about being alone and broke as ever but still feel elated about my freedom?

Did you know how Sad your comment about knowing me made me feel because you are very intelligent and should know better? There is always something that breaks down a marriage and abuse is always behind closed doors. When a smile disappears from a woman's face and his children stop respecting him....look for the reason.....

Do you know that I am finally happy even though I grieve what could have been? We will all heal in time!

LESSONS in INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
PERCEPTION

Julia Wood in Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters defines perception as "an active process of creating meaning by selecting, organizing, and interpreting people, objects, events, situations, and other phenomena (73)." The process of selecting, organizing, and interpreting is also interactive because they each have an affect on the others. The selection process is largely subjective and is stimulated by a number of factors. Sometimes the qualities of the phenomena stand out, drawing our attention to them and sometimes they stand out because of who we are and what is going on with us at a particular moment in time. Also, the cultures that we ascribe to affect our selection process. Once we have chosen what to notice we then organize our perceptions in a way that makes sense and gives meaning to those perceptions. We do this according to a schemata that includes assigning: prototypes to categorize, personal constructs used to measure the degree of judgment, stereotypes as predictive generalizations, and scripts that determine interaction based upon our own understanding of how interactions occur. Once we have organized into categories the perceptions that we have selected to notice we then make interpretations. Interpretations are the subjective process of assigning meaning and are based upon how we have categorized what we select to perceive.

This interactive process is subjective in nature do to the realization that no two people will perceive the same person object, event, situation, or other phenomena in the same way. They may come to agree on the categorization and the interpretation (this we call shared meaning), but the influences of our individual physiology, age, culture, social role and cognitive abilities is what separates us as human beings. It is also the reason why communication problems occur. To improve the accuracy of our perceptions we need to recognize that our perceptions are partial and subjective and do not entirely explain that which we have evaluated. We need to be able to distinguish between facts and inferences and realize inferences are a product of our own perceptions. Important then is to monitor the schemata we use to label people, objects, events, situations, and other phenomena. In relating to others it is useful to employ good communication skills by resisting the tendency to make assumptions by checking our perceptions with others. Most importantly, we need to analyze our development of self, based upon our individual physiology, age, culture, social roles and cognitive abilities that affect how we form perceptions. Finally, we need to be able to recognize the influences that others can have on our perceptions, and again, distinguish between the facts and inferences that can mislead us to false interpretations.

Wood, Julia T. Interpersonal Communication: Everyday Encounters. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth/Thomson, 2004.

Letter from the Editor

Joni Gaudiello

This newsletter has served a number of important purposes. One, Bob Haskett has been able to communicate the efforts of Family Nonviolence, Inc. in working with the community, not only bring about awareness of domestic violence, but to find ways to work towards prevention and to create contexts for families to coexist in nonviolent, safe and supportive environments. Two, Richard Davis has been a major contributor in educating our readers about the status of domestic violence in America, reported on measures that are taken to prevent domestic violence, and more recently, offered his analysis on the various perspectives of how particular organizations select to organize statistical information in such a way that creates a biased interpretation.

As the new Editor of the Newsletter I promised to offer Lessons in Interpersonal Communication. Last months this was eliminated due to limited space for printed copy. This month, I included a Lesson on Perception Generally, I haven't taken the opportunity to apply the lessons to real life situations, but the layout of this particular Newsletter has allowed me the opportunity to do so, and I am eagerly compelled to do so.

Above, I acknowledged Richard Davis' concern with the perceptions of such organizations such as Jane Doe, the Boston Globe, and Peace at Home, in how they report their interpretation of the status of domestic violence. Bob Heskett also testified that Family Nonviolence, Inc. supports Mr. Davis' contention that such organizations not limit their concerns for the victims of domestic violence to those of women only. The statistics reported by Davis illustrates that women aren't the only victims. With that in mind, I am concerned with how society is processing this information. How do we separate the facts from the inferences and when we do, what should that mean in terms of how we behave? If society is allowed to continue to only view the male gender as the abusers, then we will miss the opportunity to prevent the battering that occurs at the hands of the female gender and we will miss the opportunity to save the lives of their victims. How many times must we look the other way when a man is abused and claim that it is merely an isolated case and believe that this doesn't usually happen to men? It has, it does, and it will continue if we don't change our perceptions of abuse.

It is also not enough to simply realize the existence of such biased thinking. It is the responsibility of those in authority to act upon such knowledge and create environments that will prevent abuse, and when warranted, punish the abusers for such practices. I am rather disillusioned when I hear that a man violates a restraining order and is arrested and sent to jail, but when a woman violates a similar restraining order the police do little more then write up a report. This is just one example of how behaviors reflect values and beliefs and it also serves as an example of how beliefs create an environmental context for social injustice.

It should be everyone's commitment to stop social injustice. This is one situation that will not change until we effectively change our perceptions of domestic violence perpetrators, affectively institute programs that will train, educate, and treat all who are involved with domestic violence situations and affectively institute laws that truly vow to serve and protect.

Perplexed by the "gender-polarizing" concern for domestic violence I set out on a journey to find useful resources that could help me and our readers gain a better understanding of battered men as an equally concerning issue. What I found was a revelation that brought hope to what I previously thought was a largely unacknowledged concern for "the other" gender. I had wondered why a woman's voice could be heard and why not a man's voice. Was it because women generally express their feelings and needs more then men? Are men too "macho" to report abuse afflicted against them? And then I found it, a Holy Grail for those who want to understand the whole truth about domestic violence, for those who are willing to look at the whole picture. What I found was a web site that I believe everyone who is concerned with this issue will take the time to explore!

Below is an example of "his-story", a testimony written by one anonymous male and submitted to www.batteredmen.com. I encourage you to visit this web site! I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim! Attempts at counseling did not work, only separation and eventually divorce finally extracted me from this nightmare.

I think the macho in males puts them in denial mode that they were attacked or abused. Society naturally assumes that the men will "take care of themselves": and continues to focus on the problems of battered women. However, men are also the victims. Society tolerates violent behavior in females while for men it is not. Take for example, the classic television or movie scene of the angry wife/girlfriend throwing dishes at the hapless male victim. No one gets hurt; it's supposed to be funny. Is this domestic violence? Would a relative or neighbor who witnessed a real situation like this laugh and shrug it off? I hope not, but they probably wouldn't consider this domestic violence, either. Is the woman in this scene accountable for unacceptable or violent behavior? Of course not! It's considered cute and humorous!

The recent report of violence against women should be taken seriously. However, it would be of interest to know who initiated the violence and what events occurred prior to the victim seeking a remedy. Violence in our society must be dealt with regardless or gender. Sexist attitudes add to the difficulty by creating conflicts between groups that should join to focus on solving the problem.