The Communicator:
A newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 4, Number 5 November & December 2005

In this issue:

• From the Executive Director
• Men's Support Group
• Clergy Support For Premarital Education
• Beginning In January ­ The Next Step
• Coming In February: Nonviolent Communication Workshop
• Gateway Behavior
• Childrens Trust Fund - Tips to Relieve Holiday Stress
• Lessons In Interpersonal Communication : "The Self"

We are involved in the season of holidays. They are portrayed in the media as times of joy and pleasure, a time for loving families to rejoice together at home and in religious gatherings. It is well to remind ourselves that for many these are times not just of loneliness for those who have lost important persons in their lives. It is also a time of threat, danger and abuse because of the stress that is not handled well by those who are the caretakers and partners within families.

We are providing information on some initiatives that our agency is undertaking in order to promote both individual support for individuals who are in special need of help and the encouragement of families living together in a healthy way.

We also include a brief article by Richard Davis, Vice President of the Board, that focuses on a distressing (from our perspective) practice of spanking. He contends that too often this is a "gateway behavior" to abuse and victimization as adults.

In this newsletter we make reference to the Children's Trust Fund, an important resource in our state that promotes the safety and well-being of children. We are including a portion of material relevant to the holidays that is found on their web site (www.mctf.org).

Also, there is another article by our Editor, Joni Gaudiello, on interpersonal communication based on her work as an adjunct professor of communication.

You are welcome to respond to any item in the newsletter as well as to raise any concern about the prevention of family violence. Our phone number is (508) 996-1100. Our email address is info@familynonviolence.org.

In families where there is abuse, there is help for the women at the Greater New Bedford Women's Center (508-996-3343). And there is a service for men arrested for battering that is part of the High Point Outpatient Clinic (508-996-6600x29). But for men in either heterosexual or homosexual relationships who are abused there is presently no service available in the community.

In recent years there has been established in Harmony, ME the Battered Men's Helpline (www.noexcuse4violence.org) that began as a local program but has now begun to receive calls nationwide.

The Men's Support Group is a new service that is being sponsored by this agency. It is a service that is available to any man, whether in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, who believes that he has been abused and would like to be with others who are experiencing similar situations or concerns. For information on the service, call (508) 996-1100.

The Executive Director was the featured speaker at the regular meeting of the Southcoast Ministerium where he presented the possibility of developing a program for premarital education. This program would be based upon the successful effort of Marriage Savers (that can be viewed on their web site www.marriagesavers.org).

This comprehensive program would involve four basic components:

(1) An Inventory to be filled out by each of the individuals (2) Mentoring of the couples by experienced married couples for five or six sessions (3) Lectures on Communication, Conflict Resolution, Finances, Marriage as a Covenant, Sex in Marriage, Importance of the Vows (4) A Workbook such as Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix

The clergy responded favorably to this proposal.

A daylong workshop will feature an introduction to the work of Marshall Rosenberg based on his text A Language of Life. The purpose of the workshop is to introduce a model of communication by focusing on feelings and needs and requests rather than evaluations, judgments, and strategies. This model emphasizes how to maintain connection with others even in times of disagreement, so that both parties can get their needs met.

The presenter will be Pat Arcady, Ed. D., who has facilitated this type of workshop in Nonviolent Communication in the states of Massachusetts, New York, New Hampshire, Maine and Connecticut. She led one of these workshops in Fairhaven sponsored by Family Nonviolence, Inc. on September 11, 2004.

The workshop will be held on February 25th at the Trinity Lutheran Church hall at 16 Temple Place in Fairhaven. Continuing Education credits for social workers will be available. For more information on the workshop, call (508) 996-1100.

by Richard L. Davis

The greatest obstacle to discovery of the truth is the illusion that we already have the answer. To discover the truth we have to battle against the "false facts," dogmas and the single minded ideology of many domestic violence experts who believe they have already discovered the truth.

All courts in America continue to uphold the right of a parent to spank a child. In Massachusetts the courts have ruled many times that parents or guardians not only can spank children, they can beat them with a belt or other implement.

A primary Massachusetts case involved a school aged boy with attention deficit disorder. The "spanking" administered was not a tap on the wrist or a thump on the bottom of a diapered toddler. The child was hit so hard with a belt that the red bruise marks were visible when he attended school the next day. The teacher who noticed the marks notified the Division of Social Services (DSS) as required by law in Massachusetts.

Spanking, or the corporal punishment of children, is legal in every state. In fact, there are many states that continue to allow those in authority, who are not parents or guardians, to use corporal punishment against children. The majority of people, both adult males and adult females, continue to condone the spanking of children.

Is not spanking an incident whereby one person with the most physical power and control of resources hits another person with lesser rights, power and resources, in an attempt to alter or control that persons perceived improper behavior?

When a law enforcement officer responds to a home where a parent has spanked/hit a 16 year old child, they are trained to disregard their domestic violence training. Officers have been informed that spanking is legal and that spanking is a "family problem."

The nexus of spanking and many domestic violence incidents is that many spankers/abusers believe their physical behavior is not meant to harm. In fact, most domestic violence between adults begins with threats and low levels of violence such as pushing, shoving, slapping, grabbing, etc.

A domestic violence abuser often believes that their partner has behaved inappropriately and the use of physical force is for for their own good, as do parents who spank their children. Often the spankers/abusers believe their intent is to alter the improper behavior of their children/partners.

The battering of partners and the spanking of children are not simply physical aggressions, but physical aggressions that are intended to function as a method of control, subjugation, and intimidation. Many domestic violence clinicians have heard the excuse from adult abusers that their behavior "was for the victims own good." Oddly that seems to be society's justification for spanking and the corporal punishment of children.

The following is an excerpt from www.mctf.org

Press Release

To assist parents and families, the Massachusetts Children's Trust Fund (CTF) extends these important tips to help ease holiday stress and promote a more enjoyable time of year.

1. Make a holiday plan with your children.

Gather the family and discuss all the upcoming school, church, community and other holiday activities. Talk about what events mean the most to each family member. Schedule in the most important and cut back on the ones that will cause stress in terms of money, time, transportation and energy. Let your kids be a part of the process. If something has to be missed, they are more likely to understand why.

2. Relax with your family.

Set aside "family time." Enjoy the season in a simple way. Go for a walk or drive and look at holiday decorations. Read a holiday classic or watch a holiday movie together. Spend time making holiday crafts that you and your children will all have fun creating.

3. Learn to say "no."

Set limits. Say "yes" to activities that matter but decline those that put you over the top. Remember, you do not have to attend every party, volunteer at every function, and buy your kids every toy they want. Do what is important and realistic for you and your family.

4. Be open to change.

Keep in mind that life requires flexibility. Be prepared to change plans if something comes up. Be prepared for something new that may arise and that your family may want to do. The holiday season is about making memories for you and your children, whether by celebrating a tradition or creating a new one.

5. Give back to others.

Include in your family plan an activity that gives back to others and involves your children. As a family, donate holiday gifts, visit a nursing home, serve meals at a food bank, or join an event sponsored by your church, community center, place of work, or local family organization.

6. Remember, you're not alone.

Being a parent is tough. When you feel overwhelmed, it's important to remember that you are not alone. Talking to someone can make you feel better. Parents Helping Parents offers a Parent Stress Line that you can call toll-free in Massachusetts at (800) 632-8188. Joining a parenting group for support will also help. CTF-funded Family Centers provide support for parents and families:

· The Center for Families of North Cambridge, (617) 349-6385 · Medford Family Network, (781) 393-2106 · Cape Cod Children's Place, (508) 240-3310 · Martha's Vineyard Family Center, (508) 693-7900 · Valuing Our Children, Franklin County/Northern Worcester, (978) 249-8467 · Northern Berkshire Family Net, (413) 664-4821

CTF provides support through programming to make the toughest job a little easier. To learn more about programs in your area, visit www.mctf.org or call (888) 775-4KID.