The Communicator:
A newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 4, Number 3 June & July 2005

In this issue:

• Report of the Executive Director
• From Down Under
• What Men Can Do To Stop Domestic Violence
• World View
• Off The Shelf
• Latest National Statistics On Child Abuse And Neglect
• Impact of Parental Substance Abuse On Children
• Relationships
• UCLA Study
• D-I-V-O-R-C-E
• Mean Girls
• Brookline Takes The Lead

Family Nonviolence, Inc has been accepted as an Affiliate Member of the United Way of Greater New Bedford, the first step toward becoming a full member.

The following works in the planning stages:

• Extending the reach of Richard Davis' Domestic Violence Research Tool.
• Possible Clergy Conference on Domestic Violence.
• Divorce Support Group Training
• Development of a Marriage Preparation course.
• A media promotional program.
• Workshops for Latino parents (scheduled for August).

In May I submitted a final report regarding the MiniGrant that we had received from the United Way. I attended a meeting of the task force on the Hispanic/Latino Parent Education Program. The consensus of this meeting was that, rather than a specific parent education program; the format would be a monthly educational forum.

I also attended a meeting of the Domestic Violence Sub-Committee, the annual meeting of the Coalition for Social Justice and the Family Support Institute in Marlboro (participating in the workshop on Building Bridges Between Clergy and the Social Services in the Interest of Abused and Neglected Children. - Robert Heskett

The Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre in Victoria, Australia offers a summary of the ways in which children are affected by family violence.

Domestic violence robs children of their sense of personal safety, since it is perpetrated by someone they know. Fear and vulnerability replace the basic truts children need in order to thrive and develop. They see the rest of the world as unsafe. Children face the psychological choice of whether to feel helpless or to identify with the aggressor. It is not surprising that some children find it safe to identify with the physically (and economically) more powerful one. The outcome is that these children become violent and aggressive in their interactions with others.

Children may become fearful and withdrawn, seeing the world as a hostile place. They will blend in with others without being noticed. They become victimised and bullied by other children because they are too frightened to assert themselves. Young children will often blame themselves for causing a parent¹s anger. They do not possess the maturity to see a situation from someone else¹s point of view and feel responsible for incidents leading to violence. They feel bad and worthless.

Older children may blame themselves for not intervening or preventing the attack. They feel helpless and ashamed. Children may ³switch off² as a way of protecting themselves emotionally from trauma. They learn not to feel and not to empathise. Children have difficulty concentrating a school, thinking about what might be happening at home. This anxiety impacts the child¹s ability to learn.

Parents may be less able to help their children. When adults are traumatised by violence they may be less able to help their child make sense of what is happening.

Field Notes On The Compassionate Life by Marc Ian Barasch - Marc takes us with him on a healing journey of the heart. How can compassion, a trait hardwired into our nervous system and just waiting to be awakened, transform our lives and the world at large? From up-to-the minute research to timeless spiritual truths, throughout the spectrum of the best (and worst) of human behavior, Barasch weaves a stirring, unforgettable account of his search to find within himself and others the essence of the compassionate life.

Drawing from influences as disparate as Buddhist monks and skeptical neuroscientists, Barasch creates a riveting, persuasive argument that a simple shift in consciousness can have a lasting impact on our psyches, our relationships, our healthŠand the very fate of the Earth.

Barasch was formerly editor at Psychology Today and Natural Health. His book, Healing Dreams, is an exploration of life-changing dreams and what they might mean for human nature. In an interview with Barbara Stahura for Science of Mind, Barasch stated: "Šall the great teachers have said to be careful about judging others as evil. They've said to find the other in yourself; to cast out the mote in your own eye before regarding the beam in another's. It doesn't mean we don't have to contend with what is inimical to the good. But first make a close inspection of our potential to respond more creatively. And remember Einstein's remark, that given our destructive capacities today, to take an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind."

An estimated 906,000 children across the country were victims of abuse or neglect in 2003 according to national data recently released by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The statistics indicate that about 12.4 out of every 1,000 children were victims of abuse or neglect, a rate comparable to the previous year's victimization rate of 12.3 out of 1,000 children.

The statistics are based on information collected through National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System. The data show that child protective service agencies received about 2.9 million reports of possible maltreatment in 2003. Of the 906,000 substantiated cases of maltreatment of children, the majority involved cases of neglect, more than three-quarters of them less than four years of age.

Relationships can be so wonderful. We can be completely open and loving. But just because we love someone, that doesn't mean we have to put up with their anger, jealousy or abuse. We don't need to be abused, and we can't send out our abuse either.

A selfish relationship is not based in love. "I love you if you let me control you. I love you if you do whatever I want you to do. If you are not the way I want you to be, then I won't love you." This is not love. "I will stay with you even if you abuse me, even if you mistreat me." This is not love either. How can we love if we don't love ourselves?

With self-love and self-respect life can be completely different. We can make life easy or we can make it difficult. The only one who suffers or enjoys the consequences is us. If we have children, and something happens to them yes, we feel emotional pain. Sometimes we can get sick, and be cranky, why not? But it's not personal. We don 't have to give our poison to anybody else.

Life can be a playground. We can create new habits and routines that are automatic and lead us to happiness, and to the enjoyment of life. We can play and have fun most of the time, and be loving all the time, for no reason. We don't need any justification to love. It just feels good. Love coming out of us is what makes life happy. - don Miguel Ruiz

Scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, have spent four years studying 32 Los Angeles families in an attempt to understand how families with two working parents cope with the demands of work and the need to relate as a family. It is one of six long-term projects sponsored by the Alfred P. Sloan Foundation examining the intersection between family life and work.

Study Director Elinor Ochs states: "There isn't much room for the flow of life, those little moments when things happen spontaneously, and we're moving from a child-centered society to a child dominated society. Parents don't have a life after the children go to bed."

Families in the study gathered in the same room just 16 percent of the time. In five homes, the entire family was never in the same room. Parents and children live virtually apart at lease five days a week. When they are together, today's families tend to stay in motion with lessons, classes and games. Playtime tends to be organized and supervised by adults.

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University sponsors Family Day: A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Children. This grew out of the recognition that teens who frequently ate dinner with their families were far less at risk for substance abuse than kids who didn't. Richard Mulieri, spokesman for the Center states, "It's something everybody can do in their own homes: Just have dinner with your kids. Something this simple is the kind of thing that leaves a lasting impression on kids.

When the heart of a marriage crumbles to the point where it becomes impossible to put the pieces back together again, the socially accepted resolution is a divorce. Logical though that may sound the reality of the divorce process runs the gamut from matter-of-fact paper signing to highly emotional exchanges. If there are children, the issues of custody can be complex and painful to parents and children alike.

Advances and changes in divorce proceedings have been made in the past decade, but few come out of the experience without some diminishment of self-esteem and confidence. Help and healing can come through the support and experience of others who have been there and done that. Many in this area have found this support and encouragement through membership in New Beginnings. Originally, the group was part of the Singles Ministry of the United Methodist Church of Plymouth and under the aegis of New Beginnings, Inc. Today, it is an independent group that continues to meet every Tuesday evening from 6 - 8 p.m. at the United Methodist Church on Carver Road in Plymouth.

Fairhaven resident, Joyce Howland was a member of New Beginnings during the 90s. She found it to be a "supportive environment in which to discuss my feelings, doubts and fears." From meeting to meeting, the "encouragement of others helped me to act in positive ways to address my situation." Her experience as a member of the group was a "growing process of feeling more confident about myself and my ability to solve my problems."

With the rebirth of confidence comes the desire to serve others. "Later, as I began to heal, I had the opportunity to give back to the group by volunteering as a facilitator for group discussions. This experience also helped me in the healing process." In addition to three years as a facilitator, Joyce was the Social Chairman for two years and President of the group for one year.

Statistics show that, for a number of sociological reasons, divorce is becoming more common for long term marriages with partners in their 60s. Therefore, it is not surprising, as Ms. Howland observes, "the age range (of members) is between the 40s to 70s." Like Ms. Howland, they desire the "comfort of knowing that I was not alone."

A portion of each meeting of New Beginnings is devoted to the smaller Support Groups. These include Newcomers/Orientation to help newcomers understand what New Beginnings is all about. The Open Transitions group is for the newly separated, divorced and widowed. Singles Issues A & B is for those working to build a single life. Seasoned Singles is for longer-term singles looking for social support. The Bereavement group is for anyone having lost a loved one and feels the need for support. From time to time, special speakers share their expertise and insights at regularly scheduled meetings, and occasional potluck suppers enhance the sharing and reveal the culinary creativity of group members.

The Mission Statement of New Beginnings includes the following: Our purpose is to be a warm, caring family; a place where anyone can feel valued and appreciated unconditionally; a safe place where people can come and experience healing, and find wholeness in their lives. We are a self-help group, as opposed to one led by professional therapists. Though we hope our group is therapeutic, we are not a therapy group.

Family Nonviolence, Inc. is in the process of creating a support group similar to New Beginnings and has enlisted the assistance of Joyce Howland as a consultant/trainer. Training is required for those who would server as facilitators for the group. Joyce outlines the qualities of a facilitator: "a strong commitment to the group, a desire to help others help themselves, and possessing strong guidance skills." In addition, a facilitator should be "a good listener with respect for the worth of every individual and have the ability to keep the focus of the group on the bigger picture."

Brigham Young University recently released the results of studies showing that meanness in girls can start when they still are toddlers. Girls as young as 3 or 4 will use manipulation and peer pressure to get what they want. They regularly exclude others and threaten to withdraw friendship when they don't get their way. The "mean girls" are highly liked by some and strongly disliked by other. They are socially skilled and popular but can be manipulative and subversive if necessary. They are feared and well as respected. Research has also shown that physically and relationally aggressive children are more likely to have parents who discipline with psychological control and manipulation, withdrawing love, avoiding eye contact and laying guilt trips on the kids.

Brookline resident, Ronald Goldman has been a one-man dynamo in attempting to get the Town of Brookline to adopt a nonbinding, no-spanking resolution as an attempt to persuade parents to find alternative methods of discipline. It is his belief that spanking creates long-term emotional bruises that are just as real as the red marks on the skin of a child. Last year's attempt was unsuccessful, but this year the Town Meeting passed the resolution 89 to 80, making it the first Bay State community to adopt such a resolution. Goldman hopes that the vote will set the pace for other communities. "I hope what we did tonight starts something that will add to a worldwide movement that recognizes corporal punishment isn't effective and has all kinds of side effects.

The No-Spanking resolution has been endorsed by the Massachusetts Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Children, Massachusetts Citizens for Children and the Massachusetts Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers. Massachusetts has no law regulating spanking or corporal punishment by parents. However, corporal punishment is prohibited in the public schools of the state. In fact, Massachusetts is one of only 27 states with such a ban.

Brookline Selectman, Michael Sher backed the resolution: "I think it's very important to get across the message that hitting kids is not the way to discipline them, and it can have a lot of adverse consequences." Admittedly, spanking has a long history and is part of the belief structure of many families. Changing beliefs is a significant challenge, but it part of becoming an enlightened member of an enlightened society.