The Communicator:
A newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 3, number 8 September 2004

In this issue:

• Finding The Truth In Labeling Violence
• Gateway Behaviors
• A Truly International Connection
• A Successful Workshop In Nonviolent Communication Family Nonviolence, Inc. At Work

The greatest obstacle to discovery of the truth is the illusion that we already have the answer. To discover the truth concerning domestic violence we have to battle against the facts and dogmas of many contemporary domestic violence experts who believe they have already discovered the truth.

The Massachusetts Supreme Court has upheld the right of a parent to spank a child in the case of a boy with attention deficit disorder attending a special needs program. The spanking in this case was not merely a tap on the wrist or a thump on the bottom of a diapered toddler but being hit so hard with a belt that the marks were clearly visible well after the incident. The childs teacher, who is compelled by a law that is similar in each of the 50 states, noticed the welts and reported the abuse to the Division of Social Services. One member of the Supreme Court, in his infinite wisdom, said that it should be acknowledged that the child was spanked with the soft end of the belt. Such a statement is proof positive that this Supreme Court member has never been spanked with a belt for neither end feels very soft.

Corporal punishment of children, including spanking, is legal in every state and many states allow those in authority, who are not parents or guardians, to use corporal punishment against children. The majority of adults condone the spanking of children as a legitimate means of controlling behavior or to teach a lesson.

When a police officer responds to a home where a parent has spanked (or hit) a child, in spite of training in domestic violence, he or she is likely to conclude that the incident is a family problem. After all, in Massachusetts the judicial system has ruled that parents may strike their children, even with a belt. Courts nationwide, continue to rule that parents are within their rights to physically punish their children. The lawyer in the Massachusetts case questioned, Who the hell are they [DSS] to tell parents how to discipline their children?

The nexus of spanking and acts of domestic violence is that some abusers believe their physical behavior is not meant to harm. In fact, most domestic violence between adults begins with threats and low levels of violence such as pushing, shoving, slapping, grabbing, etc. The abuser often believes that this physical force is for the victims own good. Most often both the spankers/abusers intent is to alter the improper behavior of their children/partners. The battering of partners and the spanking of children are physical aggressions intended as a method of control, subjugation, and intimidation. Domestic violence clinicians often hear the excuse that the abusive behavior was for the victims own good. That is the same justification for the corporal punishment of our children.

Are we to believe that the spanking/hitting of children is proper behavior modification, but when we hit or abuse each other as adults it is a crime of epidemic proportion that is sweeping this nation? The mere push, shove or even threats between adult family members are now grounds for arrest, yet a court condones the beating of a child with a belt as proper behavior. Is there a magic age when our right as family members to hit each other suddenly becomes a crime? When children violently abuse others, many states now try them as adults.

When a researcher attempts to make a connection between the legality of the corporal punishment of children and adult partner abuse, many, including feminists, claim that theory is no more than a diversionary tactic or an attempt to lead researchers away from the real cause of domestic violence - the patriarchal heritage and mentality. How long will we continue to believe that there is but one primary cause of domestic violence?

In Massachusetts law domestic violence is defined as child, sibling, spousal, intimate partner, and elder abuse. It includes assault, force or coercion to change or alter the behavior of a family member. It is generally agreed that the issues of unequal power, control and economic resources can be catalysts for this behavior. What is not understood or agreed upon is how adults, regardless of gender, learn to use this type of behavior. One of the foremost and lasting lessons we learn as children is that those who have power, control, and economic resources will use any one or all three of them to get their way.

In the college text, Family Violence, Legal, Medical, and Social Perspectives, the author writes Researchers have interviewed, tested, observed, and evaluated thousands of people in an attempt to discover the factors that contribute to family violence. As the comic book character Pogo once noted, We have discovered the enemy and it is us.

Recognition of the causes of domestic violence will remain elusive as long as we all continue to resist looking in the mirror. - Richard L. Davis

A special guest at the September Board meeting was Becky M. Wright of Somerset, U.K. who is in the U.S. on a Fellowship from the Winston Churchill Memorial Trust. Becky operates her own counseling service, New Leaf Counseling, and is doing research on the various programs in the U.S. that deal with the prevention and treatment of domestic violence. She characterizes many of the programs she has looked at here in the U. S. as often shame-based and focused more on learning the skill of managing ones anger which she sees as shutting down the feeling rather than processing it (coming to understand it). Her focus is less on anger management, preferring to work with the emotion, to process it and redirect the emotional energy. Becky incorporates four basic areas in her approach to training and counseling: compassion, communication, control/power and love/hate.

Upon her return to the U.K. Becky intends to use her U.S. experience and research as an aid in the development of two educational or training programs, one on relationships and the other specifically for training the trainers. She was accompanied on her trip to Fairhaven by her mother, Sheila Wright. They both found fascination in the similarity of place names, particularly Somerset and Taunton.

Our September 11th workshop, "Learn How to Express Yourself With the Language of Compassion," was an attempt by Family Nonviolence, Inc. to provide a positive message on a day remembered for its shocking tragedy.

The founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Marshall Rosenberg, was far away in Switzerland (where he lives) or in some other part of the world (where he trains others) but his spirit was evident in the presentation of Pat Arcady, a certified trainer in NVC. She led the fifteen participants in the workshop in dealing with conflict in relationships through the NVC process: observation, feelings, needs, and requests along with generous doses of empathy and self-empathy.

Although the steps in NVC seem clear and simple, they require constant practice. As Pat explained, "If you don't practice NVC, you won't learn it - like learning a new language." We are so impressed with this approach to communication and building relationships that we are making it the basis of our educational group work, especially in our "Developing Positive Communication" educational groups in parent education and partner relationship.

Developing Positive Communication courses for parents and marital partners Training in Nonviolent Communication for Portuguese Care Day-long Workshop on Nonviolent Communication Conversations about Friendly Divorce Encouraging the Town of Fairhaven to recognize October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month A commitment to work with the Greater New Bedford Womens Center to create a conference for faith-based leaders Participating monthly in the Domestic Violence Subcommittee of the Greater New Bedfor Health and Human Services Coalition.