The Communicator:
A newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 3, number 6 July 2004

In this issue:

• More Than Just Saying "NO."
• Recent activities
• Project No Spank
• Tryne Costa Named Family Consultant

Columbine! Five years ago this word changed in significance from reference to a flowering herb to horrible tragedy. In 1998 students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 fellow students and a teacher and wounded 23 other students before killing themselves. It was not the first time that such horror had been perpetrated in a school setting.

When Marshall Rosenberg was asked how to stop children from breaking windows at the school, he replied, ³Kill them. Research has shown that dead children do not break windows.² This was a shocking statement from the founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication! He did it to make a point. He was being asked by school officials how to stop the children from being so destructive. His point was that the goal cannot be just to stop the mischievous behavior; the goal must be to assist the children to find their needs met in positive, constructive ways so that they would not choose to act out negatively.

His point also has relevance to the failed policy of the touted approach to prevent drug addiction by the advertising slogan ³Just Say No.² That strategy is ineffective without recognizing why young people (and adults) take illegal drugs. In my own experience as a psychologist with clients who have a history of alcohol and drug addiction the main reason ­ besides pressure from peers ­ is that illegal drugs have the same purpose as many of the legal drugs: to cover up pain. And the pain that so many try to cover up is the abuse and trauma that these persons have experienced, usually in their own homes, among the family members who were supposed to provide loving care. But dealing with these fundamental problems in our society is not simple. There is no magic wand that can be waved to make such tragedies disappear.

This issue is similar to that raised by Greg Stone in an article on the editorial page in the New Bedford Standard-Times (June 21, 2004). ³We need to take a long, hard look in the mirror² was the title of the article. He addressed the question, ³Why do they hate us?² that is, why do the people who caused 9/11 and who kill our soldiers and citizens in Iraq hate us? He states that the answer to this question is not an easy one, not a simple one. He calls for rethinking what we are about in our quest for world peace, especially in dealing with the terrorist threat. ³And part of that rethinking has to be a long, hard look in the mirror. And that will be 100 times as difficult as the self examination the 9/11 Commission just put us through ­ and many, many times more profitable.²

Marshall Rosenberg made a similar point in raising the question about how many government officials have asked how we can stop the violence in the world without asking what is the reason for the violence and what can be done to foster genuine communication. (The work of the Center for Nonviolent Communication can be accessed on the web at www.cnvc.org .)

We of Family Nonviolence, Inc. recognize that in attempting to solve domestic violence (we would rather speak of family violence) our society has relied too much on the criminal justice system to attempt to use threats and punishment as the strategy to change peopleıs behavior. We do realize that law enforcement and the court and penal system have their place. But primary reliance on those systems to create a peaceful society is misplaced. We need to assist persons to find their needs fulfilled in ways that are meaningful to them.

This is why we have established a Center for Family Peace Making with the intent of helping persons to be proactive about dealing with tensions and conflicts within the family, either between adults in relationship or between parents and children. Our theme is ³Developing Positive Communication.² We are utilizing the creative strategy developed by Marshall Rosenberg. He has set forth the steps to establish effective communication: observing behavior, identifying feelings, identifying needs, and making a request. He makes it clear in his training and in his book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (2003), that, in order to live at peace with one another, we need to ³give from the heart.² Among other skills, this giving from the heart involves the learning of a new language, especially the language of feelings and needs.

• We have completed a course on Developing Positive Communication based on the model of Marshall Rosenberg.
• We are planning more courses for adults in relationships and parents who are having conflict with others in the family. The course will be six weeks in length and will cost $5 per session for one person and $7.50 for two persons from the same family. For more information call (508) 996-1100 or look at our web site www.familynonviolence.org .
• Through a grant from the United Way Community MiniGrant Program we will be providing training in Nonviolent Communication to Portuguese care givers in July and August.
• We are part of a Planning Committee for a conference on family violence prevention in collaboration with the Inter-Church Council of Greater New Bedford and the Greater New Bedford Womenıs Center.
• We will be offering to the greater New Bedford area a day-long workshop on ³Nonviolent Communication² tentatively set for September 25th. An experienced trainer in Nonviolent Communication, Pat Arcady of Somerville, will be making the presentation.

Project No Spank



Whether youıre a parent, grandparent, educator, clergy, doctor, social worker... you owe it to yourself to check out the above web site. Whatever your thoughts or experience may be, this organization is devoted to shining the light of reason and compassion on a practice that needs to be made history.

As long as the child will be trained not by love, but by fear, so long will humanity live not by justice, but by force. As long as the child will be ruled by the educatorıs threat and by the fatherıs rod, so long will mankind be dominated by the policemanıs club, by fear of jail, and by panic of invasion by armies and navies.

Boris Sidis, from A lecture on the abuse of the fear instinct in early education in Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 1919

Tryne Costa Named Family Consultant

Ms. Tryne Costa was appointed a Family Consultant at the June meeting of the Board of Directors of Family Nonviolence, Inc. Ms. Costa, a licensed clinical social worker, brings to this position an extensive background in family mediation, parent education, educational advocacy and behavior management for children with special needs. In this position she will be an important resource, educator and advisor as Family Nonviolence moves forward in its commitment to provide educational opportunities to families in the greater New Bedford area.

Ms. Costa recently served as a co-leader with Dr. Robert Heskett in a spring course on developing positive communication presented by Family Nonviolence, Inc. and the Center for Family Peacemaking. Additional courses will be offered throughout the year and plans are underway to also make these courses available to the Portuguese and Spanish speaking communities.