The Communicator:
A newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 3, number 5 May/June 2004

In this issue:

• For The Sake Of The Children
• Peace Rock
• The ABCs of Violence (continued)
• Cortisol - The Stress Hormone

Columbine! Five years ago this word changed in significance from reference to a flowering herb to horrible tragedy. In 1998 students Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed 12 fellow students and a teacher and wounded 23 other students before killing themselves. It was not the first time that such horror had been perpetrated in a school setting.

According to a recent article in the Christian Science Monitor, many factors have been blamed for school violence, such as bullying, cliques, violent video games, gang activity, easy access to guns, overdependence on drugs, disengaged and distracted parents. Whatever the causes or causes, certainly the main focus needs to be placed on the home.

I remember seeing the movie, "Nashville," a number of years ago. It was a story about the relationship between well known country and western singers. One of the songs in that movie, sung by Henry Gibson, one of the leading men, was "For the Sake of the Children." It is a song sung by him to a woman involved in an extramarital affair.

Unpack your bags. Try not to cry.
I can't leave my wife and there's three reasons why:
There's Jimmy and Kathy and sweet Lauralie
For the sake of the children we must say goodbye.

This is not to say that the best environment is for children in a home where there is continual conflict by the parents. Many children would find more healthy emotional lives if parents who live with constant hostility toward one another would divorce.

For me, it brings to mind the judgment that is still being rendered about abducted children that have been returned to their parents without sign of physical injury. The comment is often made that "the children were returned unharmed" or "the child was rescued without any injury."

How superficial these reports, because the real harm is not seen. In 1976 twenty-six California children were kidnapped from their school bus and buried alive. One comment about their release was "All the children survived." Lenore Terr in a book about this awful event stated, "If the outside of the child looks OK (except for those young faces marked by incredible seriousness), what is happening on the inside?" She did the research about these children and wrote the book Too Scared to Cry (Basic Books, 1990) to uncover what did happen on the inside of these children because of the experience. She reported that in 1981 the California Supreme Court upheld an appellate court's decision to overturn the "bodily harm" part of the convictions of the perpetrators of the crime. Both courts concluded that "the few small scratches, healed bruises, and minor bladder infections" that the children had sustained were simply not enough to convince the courts that grave "bodily harm" had been done.

I am hopeful that we are further along in our understanding of the dynamic of abuse and trauma is to children. But we must never forget the urgency of mindfulness with regard to the effect on children of not just physical (including sexual) abuse, but especially verbal and emotional violence.

Threats - To threaten bodily harm is to gain control over another through the power of fear. It represents "domestic terrorism." Threats can be related to specific "infractions" or they can be very general. Specific threats are easier to live with since "acceptable" and "unacceptable" behaviors are clearly defined. A generalized or open-ended threat compounds fear with uncertainty. The abused never knows when he or she may cross the invisible line and pay the price in pain and misery.

Undertow - When one is in an abusive relationship there may be periods of calm and even a degree of happiness. Yet even in the midst of those periods there can be a recognizable undercurrent or undertow of negative emotional energy that will build in momentum, leading towards an outburst of physical or verbal violence. Acting speedily to redirect that energy or to take one's self out of its path as soon as possible is the key to safety.

Values - Two individuals are often drawn together in a kind of emotional, romantic fog that tends to conceal the harsh realities of differing personalities with differing histories and different value systems. Once the fog begins to lift, vision improves and the two either rapidly vanish into the sunset or get down to the hard work of building the relationship. The effort succeeds or fails depending upon how each partner values the unique character and history of the other person. Romance either evolves into love or it transforms into hostility.

Work - Even though the times are a changing many men still define themselves or find their sense of self-worth in their job or what they do. When a man loses his job his self-worth is badly undermined and he can become overwhelmed by fear. He may lash out in defensive anger, either at the boss or those coworkers who still retain their jobs. This often becomes an eleven o'clock news tragedy. Another target may be the spouse who, simply by being there, may elicit some expression of violence. In some situations, the loss of a job may precipitate an abusive reaction from the spouse.

X-treme Inspiration - Major advertisers spend millions on print and television advertising armed with studies that show how much we are influenced by visual imagery, music and verbal messages. Only by burying our heads in sand can we ignore the negative impact of so much of what passes for "entertainment." Many video games are nothing more than well-crafted motivators of violence that offer the not-so-subtle message that violence is OK, even fun! Children who spend much time in front of the television screen are exposed to literally hundreds of murders and killings over the span of their childhood, leaving them with the impression that violence is a normal part of life. The sheer number of violent episodes cannot help but have a morally dulling and desensitizing effect.

You - You are the key player in preventing violence, accepting responsibility not only for your actions, but also for your feelings and the beliefs that give birth to them. Your beliefs and your perceptions create the "reality" in which you live. Beliefs and perceptions can be changed, and you have the power to do so, even if you need professional help in doing so.