The Communicator:
A newsletter of Family Nonviolence, Inc.
Volume 3, number 4 April 2004

In this issue:

• A Search For New Solutions
• Getting Along In Families -Developing Positive Communication
• Kindness! It's Good For Our Health
• More Of The ABCs of Violent Behavior

It was perhaps ten years ago that I attended a conference on Psychological Trauma led by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, probably the most respected expert in the field of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the psychological disorder that results from the impact of massive trauma on an individual. This disorder was first named when veterans returned from Viet Nam and manifested symptoms that in earlier wars had been described as ³shell-shock.² Dr. van der Kolk stated that 30% of abused children have some type of language or cognitive development. He added, ³There is no money to deal with the real problem ­ family violence.²

Our society has offered a solution to the problem of family violence: the criminal justice system. But voices in our society have been increasing to say that this solution is not adequate. Janet Carter, Vice President of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, gave her assessment in Women¹s Enews in the issue for January 28, 2004 (quoted in FVPF¹s Speaking Up! on February 20, 2004). She wrote: ³Family violence defies simple, one-size-fits-all solutions. But it is clear that current U. S. prevention approaches are not adequate, and in some ways we may be heading in the wrong directionŠ. To make real progress in ending abuse, much more of our collective energy and resources should focus on a different phase of the problem. We should be doing more to stop violence before it startsŠ. The Family Violence Prevention Fund recommends four approaches. Empower individuals and communities to stop violenceŠ Improve the response of courts and social service agenciesŠ Invest much more in preventionŠ [and] Reject programs designed to promote marriageŠ. This work will take time, but it is critically important. Change will mean safer families, stronger communities and a healthier society.²

To these two voices could be added many more who state clearly that there need to be new approaches to dealing with family violence. It seems very significant to me that we spend many millions of dollars to prevent tobacco addiction, drug addiction, AIDS, injuries in automobiles through the use of seal belts, and even new efforts to prevent obesity. However, we spend nothing on prevention of the worst silent epidemic that is the cause of most of the tragedies in this country: family violence.

We somehow have accepted the prescription offered by the criminal justice system which is to scare people from committing violent crimes by threatening prosecution and jail time. It is clear that this approach has not worked because the instances of family violence continue unabated.

Our organization, Family Nonviolence, Inc., has decided to begin an emphasis on the third approach suggested by Janet Carter: the emphasis on prevention. We have begun a small program that is the first steps in the development of the Center for Family Peacemaking that you can read about elsewhere in this edition of the newsletter. Along with many others, we are in search of a new solution to this silent epidemic.

When we are not able to effectively communicate with the most important people in our lives there is often conflict. Any resolution of that conflict requires a clear statement of feelings and an attitude of openness to the feelings and fears of the other partner in that conflict.

Family Nonviolence, Inc. moves a step further in the development of The Center for Family Peacemaking by presenting a special opportunity for families in the Greater New Bedford area to develop or improve communications skills - whether as a partner in an adult relationship or in a parent-child relationship.

The Center will offer two short-term courses designed to assist participants in dealing with problems in their families. The courses will be five weeks in length, 2 hours long with a break for refreshments. One course will be for parents who are having conflicts with children. The other course will be for marital partners who want to consider better ways to get along. There will be a limit of 12 persons in a course. Child care will be available. There will be a charge of $1 per session for each child.

The courses will be held on Friday evenings, 6:30-8:30 p.m. from May 7 to June 4. The location will be the First Congregational Church, at the corner of Center Street and William Street, Fairhaven (across from the Fairhaven Town Hall).

Each session will cost $5 per person and $6 for a couple from the same family. However, this course is to be available to anyone who desires to participate. If there is a problem with this fee, any interested person may contact the Executive Director, Bob Heskett, at (508) 996-1100.

Course Leaders

Tryne Costa - Tryne is a social worker with many years of experience in leading parents groups

Robert Heskett - Robert is an ordained minister and psychologist who has provided assistance to many adults.

The positive effect of kindness on the immune system and on the increased production of serotonin in the brain has been proven in research studies. Serotonin is a naturally occurring substance in the body that makes us feel more comfortable, peaceful, and even blissful. In fact, the role of most antidepressants is to stimulate the production of serotonin chemically, helping to ease depression. Research has shown that a simple act of kindness directed toward another improves the functioning of the immune system and stimulates the production of serotonin in both the recipient of the kindness and the person extending the kindness. Even more amazing is that persons observing the act of kindness have similar beneficial results. Imagine this! Kindness extended, received, or observed beneficially impacts the physical health and feelings of everyone involved!

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
The Power Of Intention

Violent behavior does not happen in a vacuum but manifests quite graphically the law of cause and effect. The following is a brief , continued alphabetical look at some of the interrelated dynamics or root causes of violence. You can probably come up with even more examples.

Rage - You¹re driving in a long line of stop-and-go traffic - as you have been for more than thirty minutes - and in the rear-view mirror you see a car coming up behind you on the left. Suddenly, the driver passes and veers to his right, coming between you and the car in front, missing your bumper by inches. How do you feel? You don¹t have to answer. I know how you feel. But you¹re in control, right? The degree of control is often affected by the amount of stress in one¹s life, and the increasing incidents of road rage suggest that life is much too stressful for far too many people.

Stress - There is some statistical indication of a rise in the number of people diagnosed with mental illness. However, when analyzed, the same statistics reveal that the rates for two of the most common forms of mental illness, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, are not rising, but the stress-related disorders of depression and anxiety have increased globally. Stress often results from unrealistic expectations of time - the belief that one should be able to do more in less time. Our technology saves time on one hand and then takes it away on the other. Today¹s job stress results when fewer people are being required to do more. If one is not able to meet expectations, a pink slip can turn one¹s life upside down. Unrealistic expectations can lead to self-doubt and self-criticism. Anxiety can lead to violent explosions against others. Depression can lead to violence against oneself.